This will be my first time to really write down what im feeling, growing up i was never that kind of girl who will keep a journal or a diary to write down my daily activities or what im feeling for that matter. It is kinda hard for me to think of what to say, but i think the best way to do it is to write down what i really feel this very moment. As of writing this, me and my husband just recovered from a very dreadful fight that almost cost us our marriage. But we managed to sit down and talked about it. Though we havent really came up with a compromise yet but it looks very positive. This incident alone leaves me thinking is he my Mr. Right? I remember when i was younger i often day dream about marrying someone who can fulfill my dreams, someone who will put me in a pedestal and worship me for whatever reasons and i made a deal with God. I asked him to give me a sign, that whoever is the first guy to give me dozens of white long stemmed roses will be my Mr. Right. That thought stayed with me until i was old enough to have a relationship, I've had a series of failed relationships because i couldn't find that someone who can make my dreams come true. Im always looking for flaws, and if ever i see one that will immediately turn me off and suddenly fall out of love. Until i met a very normal guy, he is not even close to my dream guy; he was actually a far cry from my dream guy. But he loved me, he loves me for whoever, whatever i was. He loved every bad moods, tantrums and even my just woke up face. Back then, i thought that he was just one of those guys who will eventually be a part of my history of failed relationships. I gave it a try though, i thought well if he loved me that much maybe its gonna be worth a try. But being with him almost everyday, i became very fond of him and that fondness turned into likeness and that likeness turned into love. I woke up one morning looking at myself in a mirror and actually admitting straight face that I Love him, for what reason? i don't really know. I cannot come up with a good reason but i couldn't care less all i know is that i love this guy, and i couldn't face another day without him. That alone was a reason enough to finally give in to love. The rest, so to speak was history, i married this guy obviously and we are but a normal couple who will fight over little things and then kiss and make up after. I could very much say that we are happily married for almost four years now, with a three year old son who is a spitting image of me. Just last night while i was thinking of our marriage that deal and sign i had withGod crossed my mind, i t took me three years to remember that deal and that sign. Then i remember vividly that one afternoon when he visited me three days before i left for Malaysia. He gave me two dozens of white long stemmed roses. This memory send shivers down my spine, and i cried because after thinking that i married the wrong man; God actually made me realize that i have indeed married the right one and i was standing right next to the man of my dreams all along. He may not be wealthy, he might not put me in a pedestal but who would want that anyway? Isn't it that you would always want the one you love to be right by your side? so why would i enjoy being up in a pedestal? where i can be right beside him and have his arms wrapped around me? And with that being said I ask you, are you still dreaming for Mr. Right?
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2 comments:
I know exactly what you feel. I had been through "failed" relationships before. Yeah, that's how we would call it if it did not end up with wedding bells and a white gown! Well, now I realize it never happened because it is not meant to happen. There’s a reason behind it, there’s a reason for everything. So instead, I turned my regrets to thankfulness. I learned to be stronger, wiser, and more practical and believe me – grounded and real. We were raised in a world of fairytale. That married life should be merry and prosperous- materially, all skin deep type of happiness. I remember a terrible (now I know it was terrible!) advice from one of our aunts that money and beauty (in order) are the only things that will make people happy, therefore I should look for a rich partner (ok lang if not good looking, that’s why I said “in order” above)! I know you know what I mean. You probably must have heard it too. We might not totally agree with it and take that advice but it was in our subconscious growing up and has influenced our beliefs and choices in life in one way or the other. Without focusing on the enrichment of our moral values and sound and healthy being.
I used to have a very low self esteem before I knew who I am in Jesus. Though I was successful in covering it up with playing a role – projected a strong personality, paid so much attention on my looks, was cool, climbed up the corporate ladder in a breeze, surrounded myself with branded things --- all decorated and orderly life. Yet, when I was all alone , I still felt fed up, sad and empty. I depended on other people to make me feel good about myself, to validate how good I am, how beautiful I am, how much I am wanted, how much I am needed. Otherwise, I would feel dumb and ugly and disregarded. Oftentimes when we don’t get what we wanted in life from them (our spouse, partner) i.e. good life, comfort, praises, a house perhaps, material things, or like you said “a pedestal”, we think it is so unfair to us and we feel shortchanged! Then it will lead us to thinking, “Did I marry the right person?” , “Am I in the right kind of relationship?” or “Where is my Mr. Right?.
Like you, I have also asked myself these questions. I turned to God in search for the right answers. Then it dawned on me, SELF AWARENESS is the key to ALL kinds of relationship to be successful. Knowing yourself, knowing who you are, knowing what you want in life is the key toward an Empowered Relationship. I believe that we are smarter now realizing that physical beauty and money are not the only things that matter and are not the SOURCE of genuine HAPPINESS. There is more to life than going to school, working, paying bills, partying. There is just MORE!
The first step to SELF AWARENESS is to accept the fact that there is no such thing or person as “PERFECT” in this world, only God is. We are all created flawed and blemished therefore, what right have I got to demand myself to be perfect nor demand my spouse to be perfect? None. God is the ONLY One Who can make us Perfect and Complete. If you will continue to look for the role of Mr. Right in the person of your spouse, you will never find one. And if you don’t, you will get frustrated again, you will ask the same questions, and the cycle goes on and on. So ask yourself this: “Are you in love with WHO your spouse is or Are you in love with the ROLE he plays? Then this: “What roles do I play?” What and Who do I live for?” Settle these issues within yourself first, then you will stop searching for your Mr. Right!
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